Written in 2011. Performed on stage at Coldtowne Theater in Austin, TX.
JUSTIN
My next guest is NORMAN DURAN, editor-in-chief of The Green
Witch, a political magazine published on the Lower East-
Side of Manhattan.
NORMAN
Thanks for having me, Justin.
JUSTIN
Okay, I want your opinion on the entire slate of nominees
in the Republican primaries. Let’s start at the top. How do
you feel about Mitt Romney’s chances?
NORMAN
Well, honestly Mitt’s polling pretty low, and I think it’s
because voters sense he’s a “RINO” [Mime quotations].
JUSTIN
Explain to our viewers what a RINO is.
NORMAN
It stands for, “A Republican In Name Only.” In other words,
he says he’s republican, but his views and policies don’t
align with the Republican Party.
JUSTIN
So you don’t think his policies are conservative in nature?
NORMAN
It doesn’t matter what I think, the voters think he’s a
RINO.
JUSTIN
Fair enough. What about Michelle Bachmann? No way you could
call her a RINO.
NORMAN
Well, honestly, Michelle’s polling pretty low, and I think
it’s because voters sense she’s a “WINO”.
JUSTIN
You think she’s a drunk?
NORMAN
No, a “WINO.” A Woman In Name Only.
JUSTIN
Ahh.
(Beat)
So, you don’t think she’s actually a woman?
NORMAN
It doesn’t matter what I think. What the voters think is
what’s important.
JUSTIN
Okay, what about Ron Paul?
NORMAN
Well, honestly, Paul’s polling pretty low, and I think it’s
because the voters sense he’s a “GINO”.
JUSTIN
No, he’s a family practitioner.
NORMAN
No, it’s another acronym. He’s a Granter of Insufficient
Negative Opinions.
JUSTIN
What?
NORMAN
You see, for a republican to avoid getting voted out during
the primaries, these days, you really have to be able to
deliver negative opinions on almost any subject and
anybody. And Ron Paul just doesn’t have it.
JUSTIN
Yeah, but don’t you think that’s a bit out there?
NORMAN
It’s not my opinion… the voters think he’s a GINO.
JUSTIN
Pretty convenient for you… What about Rick Santorum?
NORMAN
He’s a TADPOLE.
JUSTIN
A tadpole? So no acronym for him?
NORMAN
No, it’s still an acronym. It stands for a Tenacious
Asshole Demonstrating Poor Overarching Leadership
Equivalency.
JUSTIN
Wow.
NORMAN
A pretty serious accusation if you ask me… but it doesn’t
matter what I think.
JUSTIN
Right, you’ve made that clear. What about Texas Governor
Rick Perry? He’s polling at number two as of last week.
NORMAN
Yeah, I have to say, although he looks good now, I’m not
sure if it will last.
JUSTIN
Why’s that?
NORMAN
Well, voters think he’s a LLAMA.
JUSTIN
A llama? This should be good.
NORMAN
That’s right, Justin, a Lesbian Look-alike Attempting
Masculinity Accurately.
JUSTIN
I’m impressed. This is all coming from the voters, Norman?
NORMAN
That’s right, Justin, they’re smarter than people give them
credit.
JUSTIN
Fine, I guess that leaves us with, um, Hermain Cain. What
about Herman Cain? Is he a SPINO, or a CHINO, or anything
like that that will ruin his chances?
NORMAN
Nope. He’s just black.
JUSTIN
Good lord.
(Turns to tech booth, disgustedly)
Can I get some music please?
END
